I feel like I’ve been left with the remains of a wreckage amd that I am being forced to wait by the bedside in anticipation for when you come back to life. I feel like you are in critical and that I sit in anticopation for those singular moments where your thoughts are clear and reflective. I am afraid that if I go I am going to miss a moment and that it may be the last.

It seems as though I am on the sidelines incapable. All that I have to offer that bears any comfort is the the knowledge of hidden documents and forbidden texts. You’ve taken all that is of intrigue to me and placed it upon an altar of pain and sorrow. And yet not in you but rather by the betrayal of ypur own natural mother and kin. I speak only clarity to the ever prescient whispers as truths upon truths dawn over. You. I have become the prophet of Baal that I would easily dread and yet I do so in discerning seeimg rhat it is rather only to your comfort amd knowing. That deep down the transgression you fave is echoing on through time and space to the final generation to bring clarity upon the unspoken sorrow of an angry God. A God whose holiness comes at the expense of His children and all that He has created.

One cannot help to become neutral when you begin to see how very messed up this all is. A law that cannot be sated. An oracle and glorious angel fallen for seeking the attention of the God He treasured. The anticipation of creation for the never coming saviour. The unmet faith of our forefathers as they strive after an Israel they had never seen. The divine tragedy of a dying saviour for an Israel that desperately needed freedom from its captors.

I keep fonding myself reinvestogating the texts and making a list of charges.

Its funny. They say love keeps no record of wrongs and yet we have sins stacked to the heavens. It says that love seeks no harm but seeks truth. And yet the truth is so quick to bring abput accuaations amd charges to even the smallest wrongs. I cannot help bur to wonder if everyrhing really does have its reasons or if this is just something the spirits tell us to ease our troubles. Grace is sufficient and yet my need for completion is everburning amd ever prevalant. The water quenches our thirst and yet we are blessed if we hunger amd thirst.

If grace is sufficient and all sufficient and the water is to quench the very soul eternally than where is the rest. Where is the sating if my hunger resurfaces conatantly. Are we ever really full. Is there ever sight to this faith we hold. When exactly does this all come to closure and why must it be in fire amd torrent and aming a tide of delusions. Is this about holiness of is this some insane test from a powerhungry tyrant. 

I very much belief it is the wrath of a holy God and that it is actually going to make sense and He will be without charges. 

But I have to wonder. Why?